Broken Hallelujah

Most people only dream of angels. We've held one.

Today Dylan is five. Five in heaven.
Not here with us like we had hoped and prayed he would be.
He is safe in the arms of Jesus

and there is no better place for him to be.
That doesn't make it any easier though.
Ultimately, our children are a gift from God.

It's just that giving one back so soon is painful & heartbreaking.

I am typing this entire post with blurry eyes

& tears streaming down my face.
I miss Dylan. This mommy's heart is still broken, missing him.
A piece of our family will forever be missing.
We will forever grieve the absense of Dylan in our family.
I think we will forever wonder what he would be like,

The role he would play in our family.
And I think that's normal.
The days of feeling like your heart has been ripped out

and you are at the depths of despair have passed long ago.
But we still miss Dylan.
He's a part of our family.
That is something we have always said was very important to us.
He may not be physically here for people to see,

but he is most definitely a part of our family.
The only time we saw Dylan alive was when we had our 20 week ultrasound.

I will forever cherish those pictures.

He was perfect. The placenta was perfect.

How things can change in just 10 short weeks.
Even though we didn't get to know Dylan, he knew us.

Oh, how comforting that is.
He knew my voice and probably his daddy's voice too.
And his foot knew my ribs all to well. :)
While there are so many unknowns,

why's and what could have been's,

there is one thing we are certain of.
We WILL see Dylan again.

We serve a God of hope.



(portrait was done by Portraits by Dana)

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I came across a song by Mandisa recently, and I just love it.

It's one of those songs that I feel like I could have written.

The emotions portrayed by the words are just amazing to me.

Reading the words and thinking back to shortly after we had Dylan,

it describes exactly how we felt.
We knew we served a faithful God (and still do).

We never stopped praising Him,

even when we were hurting so deeply.


With my love and my sadness
I come before You Lord
My heart’s in a thousand pieces
Maybe even more

Yet I trust in this moment
You’re with me somehow
And You’ve always been faithful
So Lord even now

When all that I can sing
Is a broken hallelujah
When my only offering
Is shattered praise
Still a song of adoration
Will rise up from these ruins
I will worship You and give You thanks
Even when my only praise
Is a broken hallelujah

Oh Father, You have given
Much more than I deserve
And I have felt
Your hand of blessing

On me at every turn
How could I doubt Your goodness
Your wisdom, Your grace
So Lord hear my heart
In this painful place

Chorus

Hallelujah
I lift my voice
Your Spirit moves
I raise my hands
I reach for You

Chorus

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Although poorly edited & blurry, this is my favorite picture of Dylan.

I love his little lips and nose. He looks just like Caleb.
Happy 5th Heavenly Birthday Dylan!

Sweet baby boy, you will forever be missed.

We press on with the hope of one day getting to heaven and seeing you again.

We love you and miss you more than words can ever express!

Love you,

Mommy & Daddy

Five Question Friday!

1. Are you a Black Friday shopper?
TOTALLY!!!! Can't wait for next Friday! Me, my sister in law, her twin and now my sister, go! It's so much fun! We scout out the ads and make our lists! Always bring your ads with you b/c some stores will match prices! (Walmart for sure does....and usually they aren't sold out of the stuff that TRU or Tarjay has for cheap!) The best defense when you go....a smile & a good attitude! Seriously....people look at you like you are crazy and some even ask "how can you be in such a good mood this early in the morning?"

2. What was your favorite childhood toy?
That's a tie between my Barbies and my Cabbage Patch Kids. I had so much of both! I even saved a few of my CPK's and have handed them down to Erika.

3. Favorite Christmas movie?
Seriously...do I have to pick just one? Probably my all time favorite is Prancer. But I really love any Christmas movie....especially if it's a Disney or ABC Family one. I'm a sucker for a good cheesy Christmas movie!

4. What is the "must have" item on your Christmas list this year?
I'll be happy with anything really. I'd really LOVE to get out of the 1990's and get an iPod.

5. Do you go all out with decorations or do you keep it simple and classy?
We go all out baby!!! In fact come January when we put everything away our place will look completely bare & boring!!

The MckFamily

I was recently blessed to be given the opportunity to help out a very special family. MckMama & Stellan were in Boston for Stellan's surgery on his heart to rid him of SVT and the surgery was a complete success! Praise God! I am still in awe of the awesome God we serve and how the surgery turned out!!
Last Friday was their day to come home so Jolene, Alyssa & I headed to MckMama's house so she could come home to a spotless house and enjoy her whole family. Amanda made an amazing cake, Jolene & I made a couple signs (which I didn't take any pictures of!) and Alyssa brought a couple signs, balloons & flowers. It was fun!


All the kids played so well together! The MckKids are a fun bunch! Nuggey was most definitely fond of Allie & Erika, which was really cute! Caleb was pretty fond of Big Mac & the train room ("Mom, I can't believe they have a WHOLE room just for trains!). It was so much fun! Thanks MckFamily for allowing us the opportunity to bless you!

ABC's of ME!

A - Age: 29

B - Bed size: King

C - Chore you hate: Mopping/scrubbing floors. Can't stand doing it and I avoid it whenever I can! Thankfully I have a hubby who is more than willing to do it for me!

D - Dog's name: Shalley & Lady. Neither dog was mine and neither is alive still, but those were two of my favorite dogs of all time.

E - Essential start your day item: Alarm clock. I'd never get out of bed without it! (and then I need coffee!)

F - Favorite color: I love pink.

G - Gold or Silver: Gold or both of them together.

H - Height: Short! 5'2"

I - Instrument you play: I used to play the clarinet, and I probably could pick it right back up. I'd really love to learn how to play the piano and even guitar interests me. That should be my new hobby!

J - Job title: Mommy & apartment caretaker

K - Kid(s): Caleb, Dylan, Erika & hopefully more!

L - Living arrangements: An apartment with my hubby & kids! Couldn't ask for anything more.

M - Mom's name: Mary, Frieda (mom in law), Deb (step mom) and Sally (like a mom). All are important in my life so they deserve to be mentioned.

N - Nicknames: Mom. Exciting right? Well actually Erika calls me m0m-m0m. It's super cute the way she says it.

O - Overnight hospital: I don't know if I was ever in the hospital overnight when I was little. Otherwise only when I've delivered my babies.

P - Pet peeve(s): I have many. One that sticks out is when old people clip their fingernails in church, on the bus, in a store, etc. (sorry to older people, I've just never seen a young person do this) It's GROSS! Take care of grooming yourself at home!!!!!

Q - Quote from a movie: Unlike some people, I do not remember quotes from movies.

R- Right or left handed: Proud lefty!

S - Siblings: Are you ready? It's a long list! On my mom's side I have a brother & sister. (technically they are a half brother & sister, but I would never say "hi, I'd like you to meet my half sister" she's my sister!) On my dad's side I also have a brother & sister. (again half, but still my brother & sister none the less) Plus I have two step brothers & a step sister. And then there's all the spouses. Plus all the sister in laws & brother in laws on David's side!

T - Time you wake: Monday-Friday I am up at 4:40 and off to the gym! Saturday & Sunday it's whenever the kids wake me up, usually by 7:30.

U - Underwear: An essential part of my wardrobe!

V - Vegetable you dislike: The list would be shorter if I could list ones I like! But beans are high on the list. Any kind of beans, not a fan!!

W - Workout style: Treadmill, elyptical or bike M-F and also weights on M, W, F.

X-rays you've had: Other than teeth, I can't remember if I've had any

Y - Yesterday's best moments: Cleaning my sisters room while she was at school and watching her walk in and be completely shocked!

Z- Zoo favorite: San Diego! Got to see a baby panda and it's mama last time we were there. It was awesome!

How do they come up with these things???

Today we were driving home and Erika and I had a couple of interesting conversations.

Erika: Mom, what stinks in here?

Me: I'm not sure, what does it smell like to you?

Erika: I think its the clouds that stink.

Me: Oh really? I didn't know you could smell clouds.

Erika: Oh never mind, it's my water. It smells good.

HUH??? She was totally serious too! :)

A few minutes later I hear what sounds like Erika trying to blow her nose so I ask what she's doing.

Erika: I can make my nose whistle, listen.

Me: Hmmm, that's interesting.

Erika: Mama, please don't take the boogies out of my nose. I want it to whistle for a long time.

Oh the things she comes up with! She makes me laugh. :)

Caleb's 6th Birthday!

I'm VERY late in posting pictures from Caleb's birthday! However since I was SO late I decided to just be 7 weeks late. Huh? You see six years and 7 weeks ago, I was pregnant with a little boy who was not due to arrive until November 7th. Little did we know that on November 7th he would be 7 weeks old!! We are very blessed to have Caleb in our lives! He made me a mommy and I couldn't be happier!

Caleb's birthday was on a Saturday so we made it into a whole weekend of celebrating! Caleb came home from school with a crown! He was SO proud to have gotten to wear that all day! Everyone knew it was his birthday!

Here are the cupcakes he brought to school! Doesn't look like cupcakes, but underneath it is! How cool!!

After school we had a few friends over for pizza and cupcakes! Thanks for celebrating with us Charlie, Allie & Jonathan!
This picture is posted here purely for payback. ;)

On Caleb's actual birthday we spent the day at the Mall of America! It was a blast! We signed up to get a coupon for a free wristband that day! (visit their website to find out how!)

Of course one of the rides he went on was the train ride! His day wouldn't be complete without a train involved in one way or another! This day was also the day he went on his very first "adult" roller coaster with Daddy!!!

While we were waiting for Daddy to get lunch we had to take a picture with all the cool lego stuff behind Caleb!

We also went to the Underwater Adventures. Caleb got in free there too! :)

Our little treasure!

Touching a starfish! How cool!!



Here's Caleb's cake from the day we celebrated with family! He wanted a racecar cake and this is what I did! I thought it turned out pretty cute! Caleb was happy and it was edible....guess I can't ask for much more!

We love you Caleb!!!!

5 Question Friday!

Here we go! It's been a weird day for me and my hubby isn't home so I might as well take some time to blog!

1. What is your dream job? To own a resort in a cute little beach town! That will probably never happen, but hopefully someday I will become a NICU nurse.

2. What song could you play over and over? Can't think of just one! Lately the one I've been listening to a lot is Broken Hallelujah by Mandisa.

3. Do you prefer to talk on the phone or text (or email)? Depends on the person really. Some people I can talk to forever and others I'd rather text or email. It's weird I know.

4. What is your must have beauty product? Almay oil free eye makeup remover pads. LOVE them!

5. What is your favorite Michael Jackson song? Not really an MJ fan so I don't have a favorite.