I have this desire.
A desire I've had for a LONG time.
I long to have four kids.
I know that I already have four kids.
But I don't have four kids that I can love on and take care of on a daily basis.
This isn't how I wanted my four kids.
I want them all here.
The other day I randomly read someone's blog who is expecting baby #4. She's suffered many miscarriages and knows the pain of loss. And yet I was jealous. She's going to have four babies to hold.
It's clear that I'm still essentially mourning the fact that we are done having biological children.
Please don't get me wrong....I am MORE than happy & blessed with the three beautiful children that I have.
It's just becoming more & more real feeling.
I'm starting to accept that 3 is my number.
(We are most definitely open to adoption, however it's not something we are pursuing at this time, I still kind of feel like I'm up to my eyeballs in poopy diapers & dirty bottles)
9 months ago
2 comments:
It's incredibly painful to have a baby in Heaven. Nobody can claim otherwise. To have the desire to hold your sweet babe in your arms is completely NORMAL! Rude baby #6 is waiting for us in Heaven. It's one of the hardest things to deal with. I like to assume that God knew it was going to be easier on my baby to take him/her to Heaven early, and that's why he/she had to go.
Nobody can explain away the heartache, and there's no reason to try. Unfortunately, those desires will likely never go away - but I think that's the beauty of being a mom. Whether your kids are physically with you or whether they're in Heaven, you love them with a fierce love that never quits.
Praying for you, sweetie!
It continues to amaze me how life never turns out like we expect.
Of course you want all four of your precious children here with you - I totally get that. Not a day goes by that I don't think of my first little one that we lost 13 years ago. I wanted him here and I don't think I will ever understand this side of Heaven why I couldn't keep him. I have to trust that God knows what is best for our family. It's hard to let go of that control though.
One thing I have learned is that God never forgets the deepest desires of our hearts, and longs to give us those things.
Nothing that happens here will go unredeemed, sweet sister. I can't wait to see how God will continue to bless you all.
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